he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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