my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
