I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
