I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
not ubering you a puppy
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
