I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
