I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
