last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
