i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
