What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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