it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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