he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Randomize
