Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
