flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
