Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
