...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
