An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
