It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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