i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
