I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
