dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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