This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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