she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
