Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
