Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
