what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
