You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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