Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
