He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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