Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
