make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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