ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
