my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
