y did u give ur computer a hand job?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
