OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
