We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
