just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
