after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
