New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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