Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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