No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
