Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
