M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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