I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
