Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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