Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
