Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
