Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
