On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
