I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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