i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
